There was a time in my life when I could hold a bitter grudge. Getting even was the way to go. I was a very unforgiving woman. If someone mistreated me or someone in my family, I would take the pain and insult to my grave. 

Moving forward… I am no longer that woman. What caused me to change? It was the pain of my husband’s infidelity that almost destroyed me and my family. 

Looking back, it was a curse for many and such a grand blessing for me. I had a big part in making it so.

What Forgiveness Means to Me

We know when we are hurt, and dishonored, forgiveness is the farthest thing from our hearts. It is an incredibly difficult concept to grasp at the moment. 

We have to rest with the injustice and pain for a bit because it’s a feeling with deep emotional tentacles.

When someone causes you pain, sometimes you strike back, and there are times you recede into the pain. These unresolved, unhealed, and sore places in your heart can leave lasting resentment, anger, and even hatred. 

It embeds itself in your flesh and becomes a part of who you are, and how you present yourself to the world. Think about that. Embracing forgiveness is the only way to find solace and peace. 

In this post, I’m going to share bits of my story on how I learned to forgive easily. I will discuss what I’ve done to change the way I think about forgiveness and why it’s been so beneficial for me. I hope you can take away some valuable points from this post and learn how to forgive yourself first and only then everyone else.

What is forgiveness

I have often pondered that question. I hesitate to look in the dictionary for the answer. Furthermore, I think we have to decide for ourselves what forgiveness is. 

For me, forgiveness is an intentional decision to let the incident, injustice, pain, or insult go. There are many ways I do that. Perhaps you would like to try some and find your way to do it. They are simple, but not easy.

• Put the incident in an imaginary balloon and watch it float away, gone forever. Keep that vision in your mind if the feeling comes back.
• Write it on paper and burn it, tear it to pieces with feelings, bury the paper like burying the person, and keep that vision.
• Find a place to be alone and talk honestly to that person and vow to leave it where you are.
• Finally, for me, stop the numeration by flipping the thought to something pleasant. 
• Use your I am’s. I am fine, I am happy, I am a forgiving soul. Make up your own. 
• Write in your journal and doodle also.
• Talk to your spiritual advisor.
• Engage a counselor for help.
• Take responsibility
• Learn from your mistakes
• Don’t play the blame game
• Recognize you are human and make mistakes
• Make amends when possible
• Have compassion and kindness for yourself 

Be deliberate about it. Any situation you can think of that will help you feel a bit better will work. 

I will tell you the truth. When you think about the incident and don’t get an emotional charge. It is gone and forgiveness has followed.

But wait… You must forgive yourself first, or nothing will happen.

You can’t forgive someone until you have fully forgiven yourself and released the misguided thoughts you have about yourself. If you don’t forgive yourself, you risk allowing your real or perceived actions to redefine who you are. 

They will reside with you always. You remain stuck. None of the above actions will work, ever. 

Forgiving yourself is the precursor to forgiving others. This is where I started. For me, I initially thought it started with Alcoholics Anonymous because of its philosophy of making amends. 

However, my road to forgiving myself and others began before that. It started when I was in college and taking care of myself and my three daughters. 

I decided I was something. One decision, one thought, one spark, one idea, and one potential for freedom. Forgiving myself came with accepting who I am. This for me was not easy. 

As I moved forward, I grew in personal development. This was a necessary step because I blamed myself for everything. For things, I had no control of. 

• Why am I so tall? I love my height now.
• Why am I not smart enough? I am very intelligent.
• Why was I born? I was born to learn valuable lessons and share them with the world.
• Why am I not loved? I am loved, I love myself.

I had to rewrite the script of my life to like myself enough to forgive myself for everything.

When I began the process of loving myself and being proud of myself, I started to forgive myself for everything every day. When I make a mistake, I ask for sincere forgiveness, and I leave it with the person I offended. 

I can do that because I know I intend no harm. I am imperfect and so are they. Not only that, but I also accept responsibility even if I am not responsible. This puts it on me. I forgive myself effortlessly. 

Forgiving myself was opening the gateway and door to forgiving others who offended me. 

If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root.

I think you all understand, if you don’t forgive the person, they stay with you. When someone offends you, it has nothing to do with who you are, and everything to do with the person they are. 

The effects of holding a grudge have serious consequences

According to the Mayo Clinic, if you struggle with finding forgiveness, you might:

• Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences.
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present.
• Become depressed, irritable, or anxious.
• Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
• Lose valuable and enriching connections with others. 

You may have to forgive one incident over and over again to clear it completely. 

If you are a spiritual person asking God for forgiveness may be a necessary first step for you. Meditate and reflect on any issues that are worrisome in prayer.

I admit, some people may be evil. If they are evil, your forgiveness is more urgent. Do you want evil to have a home with you? Absolutely not!

I reiterate, if you don’t forgive, that person stays with you and, if you hold on to that pain, you will be the one who pays most dearly. By embracing forgiveness, you also can embrace peace and hope. 

Benefits of having a forgiving heart according to the Mayo Clinic

• Healthier relationships.
• Improved mental health.
• Less anxiety, stress, and hostility.
• Fewer symptoms of depression.
• Lower blood pressure.
• A stronger immune system.
• Improved heart health.
• Improved self-esteem.

Forgiveness is one of the most important tools we can use to better ourselves and our relationships. With that being said, I hope this post has given you some ideas on how to learn to forgive more easily. While it may be difficult to do at first, it gets easier.

The bottom line is that you are not perfect and will always make mistakes. You will say the wrong thing, act the wrong way, and do the wrong thing. As well as the other person. We all grew up with screwed-up families, and we carry them with us. 

There are all types of souls walking the earth. The misguided, the mentally ill, the sick, the despondent, evil, and let me not forget kind souls who make mistakes. You have to deal with them all. Some of them will hurt you. They, too, are not perfect. 

Release them and their injustice to you, and keep stepping. That is the key to unlocking the door to your freedom. 

Keep improving who you are.

Honor yourself!